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Tuesday, 14 February 2017

FRAGILE



KNOCK! KNOCK!

It was almost midnight, 2 nights prior to her departure to Jakarta, when Ariadne heard the loud knocks on her apartment door.  Before opening the door she already knew who was her guess. D. No one else would knock her door that loud other than him. She opened the door to let him in and a bit ignored him because she was busy packing her stuffs into her big blue polkadot luggage.

Only after she almost finished packing, they sat side by side on the brown sofa in her living room and she didn’t expect that they would talk about a sensitive topic: PREGNANCY. That topic was raised because before coming to her house, he had a serious talk with his dad prior to his upcoming 27th birthday that would fall in next couple of week. To make it short, his father tried to help him to figure out his life because 27 is considered as an important milestone in a man’s life, an age in which more responsibilities should be taken. It made him realised that there were many things he wanted to do in his life. He was even inspired by his dad to buy a boat and sail around the world. She listened it thoroughfully. ‘Till then, she was told that her name had been mentioned on that dad-and-son talk.

“How if Ari wants to have baby?”

“How did you response that question?” she asked.

With all his excuses he declared, “I DON’T WANT TO HAVE KID! I DON’T WANT US TO GET PREGNANT!” He even blatantly added, “to be frank, if somehow you get pregnant I’D URGE YOU TO DO ABORTION.”

Having raised in a moslem family and society, of course she against that idea. Knowing that he said, “If you were pregnant, I’d be totally scared. It would really damage our relationship. We even haven’t known each other well. I wouldn’t be ready. I wouldn’t be a good father for the baby. To tell you the truth, if you get pregnant I’D JUST LEAVE YOU AND ASK YOU TO GO BACK TO INDONESIA.”

She was not too surprised to hear that statements. Come on… BOYS WOULD ALWAYS BE BOYS, WOULDN’T THEY? 

But…  a few minutes later, when he left her to go to the bed, that pregnancy talk started to bother much her mind. Since she had tendency of over-projecting thing, that talk led her into a crucial issue i.e. RELIABILITY.  For her, instead of to die, to have unplanned pregnancy would be the worst scenario that might happen during his study in Oz no matter how slight its possibility (because she regularly took contraception pill). So then the question of  ‘How could I stay in a relationship with this guy that wouldn’t be there on her worst condition?’ started to haunt her. Immense sadness hugged her. But she was too proud to shed any tears.

Please don’t take her wrong. It was not only him who didn’t want having kid. She didn’t want it either though she was often be tempted of the idea of having kid. The presence of kid would disrupt the life master plan she already designed. She wanted to travel around the world, back to her offshore engineering job, pursuing doctoral degree in USA, and so many other things in which no kid involved there. Moreover she always dreamed TO DIE YOUNG, and she really meant it. She was sure that she couldn’t stand ageing. She couldn’t imagine how would she survived the life without her youthfulness, strength, and physical attractions.

She pretended to continue packing when he asked her to go to bed to hide her imbalanced feeling. She didn’t want to look hopeless in front of him. She waited until he had fallen asleep before she finally laid herself beside him. In the dark, she stared at the ceiling. She tried to sleep but she couldn’t. Moreover when the sound of shower and flush from her upper neighbour were so disturbing. It was even when he started snoring. What such a dreadful night for her it was! Only because of mind-exhaustion the finally managed to fall asleep a few minutes before the dawn.

In the morning she tried to neutralise her feeling, pretended that she didn’t think much about last night talk. She even started her day with making love with him. She tried to act normally to spend her last day in Perth with him before her flight home. She hold her will to talk about how she felt. She guessed that it would be better for her to think deeply about it during her 2-week holiday in Indonesia.

On the departure day, nothing happened much. D delivered her to the airport, gave her a goodbye kisses. She kissed him back. She got into the plane.

Once arriving home  in Jakarta the thought immediately lingered her. When she was laying  on the bed she shared with her mom, she could no longer hold her tears. Though it was a silent cry, her mom noticed that. Tenderly that woman in late 40s caressed her hair, asked her whether she had something to share or not. But of course she just said ‘nothing’ and left her mom with confusion. There was NO WAY she could talk with her mom about what bothering her.

Day by day, she spent her time by visiting her significant colleagues and friends. And tonight she met Tanya, the one she shared the same des for the whole 3 years of studying in high school, and remained as her best friend for half of their age.

“Though it (the pregnancy) hasn’t happened yet and would never happens since you take the pill *knock2onthewood*, you should see that talk in broader sense, Ndut!  If he doesn’t want to take responsibility on that kind of accident that theoretically half of his mistake, how would he support and take care of you in a bad condition caused by your own silliness, clumsiness or whatever it would be?!? How would he, Ndut? If I were you, I wouldn’t think twice to cut him off!”

Tanya also asked her to see her (Ariadne’s) own younger brother case. He and his gf had baby-bump and they decided to  be responsible with what they did. They finally get married and raised the baby boy together no matter how hard their conditions were and would be: they were both still under 20, still studying at uni, having no stable income yet. But life must go on! It’s only cowards that pull themselves out from responsibility.

“Well, theoretically, with or without consulting with you, with or without having a look at my own brother’s case, I know that I should have just cut him off immediately …”

“But…?”

“But Tan, we are in different culture. And the mature age is different for Asians and Westerners. So I think it’s understandable why he acted like that,“ Ariadne started making excuses to defend him, “Anyway, since the beginning I already quantify all the risk of having a relationship with younger bule guy like him. Consciously or not, my engineering sense investigates his characterisation and profiling, performs the risk assessment, cost and benefit analysis, double check with other possibilities, and whatever it is. And well, I came into conclusion that I am ready for any possibility how this relationship will go and end. And since I praise equality, I’d just give as much as I’d take from him. If he just wanna have fun with me, I could treat him the same way. And Tan, to be frank I don’t want to be alone. I couldn’t stand loneliness. It would be better for me to stay in this lustful relationship. I’d just enjoy this relationship ‘till this desire eventually will go, sooner or later.”

“I know, I know how ‘engineering’ your brain is. I know you already calculate everything . And well, I even never doubt your survival ability in any case including the unplanned pregnancy. You would be a gorgeous mom, and I’d be a superb aunt for your kid. Haha! But, Ndut, no matter how ‘having fun’ you want, deep inside you want to hold into ‘something’, into a ‘core’ that can make you feel safe and loved, don’t you? And please stop saying that you are in lustful relationship. You love him. It’s obviously seen in your eyes. Even I could say that YOU LOVE HIM. Even TOO MUCH!”

“What?!? Sorry, how come you jump into that conclusion?” For Ariadne love was relative, lust was absolute. So that was why she got a bot irritated when another people - including Tanya, her closest friend - could brutally define the feeling she never could understand. 

“Ndut, stop playing with your own heart. You are a creature full of compassion. No matter how loud you said that your relationship with him is dominated with lust, no matter how often you confirm that you love him only for his muscles, penis and ass, deep inside YOU LOVE HIM. I repeat: YOU LOVE HIM.”

Ariadne shook her head as negation.

“Stop denying, Ndut. If you don’t love him unconditionally, you wouldn’t end your relationship with Om Jos that you’d build for more than 3 years. You had such a wonderful relationship with Om Jos. He is kind, SUPER KIND. You both invested much not only the feeling but also time and money on that relationship. He never hurt you. He didn’t cheat on you. Your family, even your mom started to accept him. But then you cut him off. Why did it happen? Because you couldn’t sweep away Philip from your mind no matter how long you were with him and how much love he showered to you. Only D who could stop your infatuation with Philip. Why? because you found him as someone to love unconditionally, not to obsess.”

“OK. I stop denying. I LOVE HIM, Tan,” Ariadne finally confessed, “MUCH! she sighed heavily. “And well,,, lets stop this conversation. I guess, we’ve already been too far to develop this ‘imaginative’ case.”


Dead air filled up the room for couple of minutes before Tanya finally broke the silence between them, “Ndut, in the end all decision is in your hand. To break up or not to break up is your choice. But first, you should be firm on what you really wants. You should listen and understand more about your own self. I know I might be the hundredth person saying this: you’re young, beautiful, bright, charming, passionate, you have so many things to offer. You deserve to be treated well. Remember, Ndut, having relationship is more than just a carnal pleasure. but also mind nourishment. You deserve to have a relationship which gives you peaceful mind, not the one that makes you to struggle in taming  your sadness thoughts.  And at least, if in the end you stay with him, all I can advise is, you should stick a label ‘FRAGILE’ on your forehead so next time he talks to you he wouldn’t be so vicious and hurt you with his insensitive words! And, if you have no guts to talk about this eyes to eyes with him, just write it down. I know you articulate your thoughts better in writing than in talking.”

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